Mind the Gap

There used to be a BBC radio announcer called Daphne Oxenford who retired from Listen With Mother in 1971 having presented the programme for 21 years.  She spoke with the cut glass BBC accent of the era with immaculate Received Pronunciation.  No Radio 1 Laddette she.  I often wondered what happened to her.

I can exclusively reveal that she has been dragged out of retirement, locked once again in a recording booth, and now provides the Voice of South West Trains, the dominatrix and torturer of commuters everywhere south of Waterloo.

However something awful has happened to her.  The warmth in her voice, which charmed small children in the 50s, 60s and early 70s, has vanished to be replaced with a shrill, finger-wagging, headmistressy bossiness.  She speaks in an irritating staccato and puts inflexion and emphasis in her sentences in strange places.  She doesn’t seem to know when to shut up either.  Have you forgotten all your BBC training Daphne?

I could be wrong.  Perhaps I am doing Mrs Oxenford a gross libellous injustice.  Maybe it is really Princess Michael of Kent earning a few bob on the side.

Whatever.  Here are a few examples:

You get on the same train you use every morning and she tells you which station it is:  “This. Is (station name)”  (“Really??  I thought this was Istanbul!”)

The train pulls off and Daphne/HRH pipes up:  “Welcome  on BOARD the South West Trains service.  To London.  WATERLOO.  Call. ING at (station name, station name, station name, station name, station name, station name ………) to London.  WATERLOO.

Just before you arrive at the next station, Daphne/HRH tells us:  “The next. STATION is.  (Station name).  PLEASE mind the GEP.  Between the PLETFORM.  And the TRAIN).  Sometimes she adds:  “Please change HERE.  For (station name, station name, station name, station name ………)  Sometimes this information is wrong.

Then, having told us 30 seconds previously at which station we are arriving, just in case we have the attention span of a goldfish, she tells us the name of the station again.  The train pulls out of that station and she starts all over again.

The distance between  SW Train stations into Waterloo is no longer than five minutes in most cases, so you would think that lot would be enough to keep Daphne/HRH occupied and the commuters thoroughly informed, but no.  She also feels duty bound to tell us between each stop that “CCTV camera and video recording.  Is in USE.  On this TRAIN.”  She then reminds us not to leave our stuff lying around unattended like the morons we undoubtedly are:  “DO try to.  Keep ALL personal ITEMS with yew.  If yew SEE anything SUSPICIOUS.  Please tell a member of STAAHFF.”  As far as I can recall the last time anybody was killed or injured on British public transport, the ‘personal items’ responsible were very much attended.

However the absolutely lulu, the one that really gets my goat is as follows:

 

“Yew MUST have a valid ticket before.  Yew get on one of.  OUR. TRAINS.  If yew do NOT.  Show a valid TICKET when yew are ASKED.  Yew MAY.  Have to pay a PENALTY fare.  Thenk yew.”

 

Now tell me please.  What is the point of that?  While you are sitting there, when you hear this announcement, do you think:  “Really? You mean I should have bought a ticket???  Well, fuck me!!  I thought train travel was free!  Blimeys, I must get off right now and buy one.  Oh no!  I can’t!  The train’s moving!”   If that is the case, Gentle Reader, then I’m afraid you should definitely not be allowed outside your front door unaccompanied, let alone try to travel on public transport without your personal carer.  Look, maybe I’m missing something here, but if you are already on the train and you don’t have a valid ticket then it is too bloody late.  And if you do have a valid ticket then the message is totally redundant.  So please Daphne/Your Royal Highness, do us all a favour and SHUT UP.

You can’t even get away from it in the so-called ‘quiet’ carriage, and if you are unfortunate enough to be sitting under the PA system you had better already be deaf because the decibel level is so high that Daphne/HRH threatens to burst your ear drums.

SW Trains have been asked why there have to be quite so many announcements given that there are on board electronic signs constantly in operation and their reply was that some people have learning difficulties and can’t read.  In other words, they inflict this racket on us for the benefit of less than 1% of their customers.  This 1% could ask the guard for help surely if they are travelling alone?

Once, just once, Daphne/HRH piped up with something useful.  I boarded the train home, knackered as usual, and after she had welcomed me on board, told me where I was, where I was going, all the stops along the way, had reminded me to look after my stuff etc for the first of umpteen times, to my astonishment she said:  “We are pleased to ANNOUNCE.  That there is a REFRESHMENT service.  On this TRAIN.  Serving tea, coffee.  SNECKS, sendwiches, het end keld DRINKS.  Beer, WAINS and spirits.”

“Great.”  I thought, “That makes a change.  I could just do with a naice gless of wain.  Cheers Daph.”  Unfortunately she then blew it by saying sternly:  “Please make sure yew keep the AISLES.  Free of any luggage.  So the TROLLEY ken pass without HINDRANCE through the TRAIN.”

“Christ!”  I thought crossly.  “I’ve paid eleventy-seven quid for the privilege of getting to and from work and I just get told off all the bloody time!  Just shut up will you woman!”

Listen Daphne/Your Royal Highness, I DO have all my marbles, I DON’T have special needs, I CAN read, I DO know where I got on the train, I DO know where I’m going, I KNOW the names of ALL the stations in between, I DO have a valid ticket, I DO know that CCTV is watching my every move, I WILL mind the gap, my personal items are RIGHT here beside me thank you.  And I am sure that if anybody should see ANYTHING suspicious, such as a wild-eyed woman in a pink cashmere coat smashing up the public address system with the heaviest of her ‘personal items’, they WILL tell a member of staff.  Who will no doubt gently lead her gibbering off the train to the safety of a padded cell.

In the meantime, please bear in mind that I have been awake since 5am.  When I eventually get to work I will have to earn eight hours’ wages.  Then I will have to get home again.  Right now I would like to concentrate on my Sudoku puzzle.  I would like to finish the crossword.  I might like to start my new book and not have to read the first paragraph over and over again because YOU keep interrupting my train of thought.  Then I would like to have a five-minute power nap.

So could you PLEASE.  JUST.  SHUT. THE.  FUCK. UP.  Thenk yew.